Dear Merry I’m scared

Dear Merry I’m so unprepared

Why didn’t they say something sooner?

I wish I knew

I wish I could say all the things I needed to

Now I’m holding your hand while your shaking

And I know you don’t understand and there’s no chance of your waking

And I can’t

I can’t figure out why they’re taking you

I still need you to walk me down the isle

I still need to tell you all the things that are wrong and hear you say, “it’ll be alright” with a smile

But I know you won’t

I know you’re not coming back

And my dreams taunt me with your arms around my heart

And the vision is haunting when I wake and it’s gone.

And I remember it’s been so long

I remember that night when we got in the car, she said we were going to see you and she wouldn’t say why

The girls were laughing in the back and my mind was racing and she kept staring straight ahead and wouldn’t look at me or answer my questions and I said, “she’s dying isn’t she?”

I knew, I felt all the lies crumble in that moment of truth and I shut down.

After I spoke I saw her start to sob and I wondered what thing would rob us of you

I knew there was nothing I could do but I wanted to

I wanted it to all be a bad joke, but ten years later I’m still waiting for that punch line

I remember the doctor walking in

And I wanted to tell him to stop

I was waiting for the heart monitor to jump back on

For you to wake up

For the miracle I was promised

But as we shuffled out of the room, I looked back and saw a tear of blood and I felt the finality of it all.

I waited, I waited so long for you to come back, for weeks I woke up from dreams of you, returning to the emptiness and I still had hope.

I was told God brought his prophets back all the time, it was a cruel joke to play on a twelve year old

I was so willing to believe anything that would bring my mother back to me

That was a big lesson I had to learn quite early in life

Everyone lies, including those who you’re supposed to trust

Those are the hardest lies, the ones you want to believe

She was never coming back.

I felt the loss, I felt a newfound freedom, and a guilt over my freedom

Over the choices I made without my mother’s guidance

Over the person I was and who I was becoming

It’s been ten years.

Ten years since I lost my mother

Ten years since I started down a rough path of learning and self discovery

Ten years to find another way of coping besides running to my mom

Ten years

And it feels like yesterday

The pain and loss haven’t dulled one bit

Some days I feel it all

The anger, the fear, the sorrow, the missing pieces

I’ve just learned to live without

And with memories I try my hardest to keep alive

The ones she left with all ten of us kids

She lives on



Knock knock knock

Someone’s at the door

Drip drop drip drop

Listen to the rain pour

There’s a rhythm to everything

From the tap of your feet moving

To the way your heart beats

Watch the waves push and pull

Crash then recede

Like the hairline of a man who’s seen the world

A cycle of death, decay, then life on repeat

Like a washing machine

Washing our brains to believe we bring beauty to bones

Just as the Bible brought stones

For the nonbelievers

We, too, got stoned and found religion

No one will believe us

The Virgin Mary Jane appeared as a burning bush and told us to eat, drink, and be merry

But be wary of those

Who would oppose our clothes

The lifestyle we chose

Because nobody knows

Where anyone goes

After a life of devotion

Under a divided nation

We live in a society that builds walls

Instead of tearing them down

Saying, “Not my neighbor”, “Not my race”

It’s not my place to put words in the mouth of someone I don’t quite believe in

But has the phrase, “love thy neighbor as thyself” lost all meaning?

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure when it came to the thieves, broken, and whores he did no screening

There were no locked doors

For those without green cards

They were given wings to soar

And welcomed with open hearts

So please, don’t hide behind a religion based off of love whilst you spit hate out like it were a poison

Stop standing by while this country dies due to thoughts of fear that lie within

Don’t tell me we shouldn’t separate state and religion

As long as it’s yours that we fall back on

The same one to put a tax on my body

The one that doesn’t care for my autonomy

The one that’s unusually silent during the most current affairs

I had a nightmare recently

I saw the same people I pass on the streets

The same people I’ve worked alongside

The same people I call my friends

Being chased out of their homes

I felt the fear and uncertainty take hold

And on my tears I began to choke

As I tore out a page from Anne Frank’s diary

The date was today

It’s not really okay, neither am I.

It’s not you against me

It’s not I versus he

It’s a fucked up, complicated “thing”

A night full of misunderstanding. 

You weren’t aware

That I wasn’t there

To say stop

So when my body’s response

Told you yes

You quickly undressed.

I’ve been here before

A subservient whore

Whether it was due to my blood alcohol content level

Or the years of conditioning to be obedient before.

I didn’t want it

I never did

Yet there’s a growing number that hasn’t stopped no matter how much I beg.

It’s not your fault

It’s not mine

But every time

It happens, I become less of what I was so sure I was.

I question every word I said

Can’t help but wonder what I did

How I dressed?

I used to believe I was too strong for this.

 I was wrong.

It’s not about strength

There’s not really a way to predict or prevent 

Besides telling the truth:

I was raped.

You raped me.

There’s no excuse.

So let’s embrace this fact

Teach each other

Learn from the past

And together, make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Good people do bad things sometimes

It doesn’t make them bad people

But don’t let the good excuse their crimes.

July 27, 2015

Don’t try to trick me into a kiss

Don’t guilt trip me for not wanting those lips

A kiss? A kiss should not feel like this

One that is forced upon trembling tips

Treacherous tales tumble to tell a convincing concoction to coerce me into something I do not want

Do you even care?

You crave a connection so you pull one out of thin air

You say from the first night you saw me you wanted a kiss

Then you try to explain why it means more than this

More than an attraction to Boyd parts

A different feeling, one from the arts

Yet you say you wante it from the beginning

So tell me, did my eyes portray a deeper meaning?

Did my body tell you my story, my past?

Was everything we had in common directly related to the curve of my ass?

Let’s call it for what it is, a simple desire

Don’t attempt to name it something else and name yourself a liar

You wanted me for my body, my face, before you knew me at all

You cannot fool me with pretty lies that stretch far too tall

A kiss meant more to me than you would ever know

You hear that and still ask for just one before you go

Just one

One kiss and multiple lies

Led to your demise

In my eyes

Standing with a million excuses and reasons at my front door


You can have your kiss and nothing more

September 17, 2015

“Lay with me.”

Can two friends only lie together when their genders do not match?

The flies buzz into my brain

“Or don’t, the decision is yours.”

I swallow a frog to silence their wings and hear low croaks of warning inside my stomach instead

I pass it off as hunger as I sit upon the mattress

They blame the temperature as chicken skin covers my body, but I can feel the frog lap at my spine anxiously

The fleece then covers me and I try to draw focus to the tv screen, my brain filled with fuzzy electricity

“I want to cuddle with you.”

Does it matter what I want?

The thought sticks to the outstretched tongue, underlined and in bold as my body begins to be wrapped in strange limbs 

Strange? Are we not friends?

A resounding, “I don’t know” leaves the unanswered questions to float through my carcass and echo through my bones

Eyes that I cannot see peer over my shoulder as foreign fingertips trace paths that soon become trenches through every inch that is me

Laughter leaps from behind and sends my thoughts running through the tumultuous fog only to wind up shivering at the corner of “I don’t know” and the never ending, unanswered questions

Children giggling from the lungs of a man, my heart hopping as I try to pry my eyes open at the ribbeting that screams a deafening, “Go! Run! Leave!”

My mind defeated by my limp body

Suddenly suffocated, my lips pull away, lifting my corpse and indecisive mind with the need to breathe

Combining, reuniting two lost halves to create a lost whole with the knowledge and clarity that not only was there a want, there was also a primal need to go

“That was amazing.”

Absent are the “I don’t know”‘s in my mind

Our answers lie in different realms as did you and I

You asked if it was real, while I desperately desired it to be but a fabrication

“I can’t stop thinking.”

Please do

She is not yours to have

Become the writer and write her into the pages until she’s just another story

A beautiful piece of fiction with no chance of reality

Convince the reader she never was and read her the tale she’ll never be

You truly believed you couldn’t have her 

And with that notion created a lock and threw away the key

Simply put

You put her on a high pedestal that not even she could reach

It’s structure; your bones

The foundation; tall stories that sway and crumbled at the touch of truth

You want to stand a chance

But you buried your legs too deep under sands of deceit

So watch and weep as the waves pull her out to sea

The winds slap your face and fill your throat with the bitter taste of envy

Salt occupies your lungs and stains your battered cheeks

She is the puzzle you’ll never solve

Not due to a missing piece

Dig your claws underneath skin

Plastered to exoskeleton

And stretch your fingers with every bit of your being to peer within

You’ll still be searching blindly

Perhaps it’s time to stop writing mysteries


As the stain on my tongue grows darker

The truth in my mind becomes louder, shouting

The quiver of knowledge seeps into my fingertips

And I cannot stop the shaking.

My present weeps for my past

As I try to grasp my honest feelings with each sip from this flask

As if liquor holds the key just out of reach

My body torn

Thoughts of self worn in a similar fashion

A resounding, “why?” reverberates through every cell

As if finding an answer would help.

A grape crushed, left to ferment, to die

As have I 

Take a sip

Taste the bitter wine

Realize the lie that lies within I.